Category: Uncategorized

25th February 2022

When a loved one dies, there will inevitably be moments when we are reminded of them further down the line. Generally speaking, we do our best to go about our lives and not live in the past, but certain dates throughout the year make it impossible to not think about a bereavement. And this is always hard. You may feel like you won’t be able to cope; it feels like a scary unknown, and you might end up being surprised by how a particular date impacts you. To help you navigate this issue, this blog walks through dates that people often find ‘triggering’ and what you could do to make the process a bit easier.

Anniversaries

The hardest date is usually the anniversary of when someone died. Experiencing this date again, especially for the first time, has a way of bringing back the emotions you felt at the time. You should not beat yourself up for feeling bad at this moment. It’s perfectly normal. Many people tend to visit the deceased’s place of rest and pay respects, as this brings them closer to them and allows for some grief to be processed. However, if this feels like too much for you, there is no obligation on you to do this. You may prefer to do something else entirely.

Birthdays

In similar fashion to anniversaries, the birthday of someone who has died will bring into focus the pain of them not being around anymore. It is a sad reminder that they are no longer with us. You may wish to honour them on this day by doing something they would have liked doing, such as visiting a certain place or imbibing a particular drink they liked. Alternatively, this could be a good time to seek the support and company of friends. Feeling close to the people who are still with you can be important on dark days when your mind keeps drifting towards a loved one who has died.

Celebrations

If, for example, your mother has passed away recently, the coming of Mother’s Day can feel quite triggering. It can be especially hard to see everyone else celebrating with their mothers, so take care to be kind to yourself on this day. Treat yourself. Do something that makes you feel good. Another option, as always, is to reach out to your friends. They will know that this may be a difficult time for you and be happy to spend time with you on this day. You should always feel like you can reach out to your loved ones.

However, if you don’t feel like you can talk to your loved ones about a bereavement at difficult times like these, my bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online provides a safe, confidential, strictly private space for you to talk through your issues in a way that suits you. Feel free to get in touch and ask any questions you might have.

13th February 2022

When we talk about grief, it is immediately assumed that it refers to someone dying. While this is often the case, we can often experience grief following a number of different events that occur in our lives. This is because the feeling of grief is not necessarily linked to death, but more to loss more generally. The anatomy of loss is what I really work with as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, and as a result I see plenty of clients who are experiencing grief over events other than death. Here are some examples.

Relationships

If you have been married for some time, divorce will inevitably bring a sense of grief. The event of someone who has been with you for many years leaving your life naturally leaves a hole that feels very similar to a bereavement. This can also be the case for relationships that end suddenly on bad terms, either with a romantic partner or close friend. Many parents also go through this process if their child cuts them out of their life.

Job Loss

Due to the pandemic, along with other factors, a good number of people have been released from their jobs after many years of working for that company in recent times. Their workplace becomes like a family – something they see as an integral part of who they are – and when they no longer have that environment, it creates a powerful feeling of loss.

Financial Loss

For many reasons, people can quickly incur a significant financial loss – as was the case for a high number of people in light of the 2007-08 financial crash. Financial loss comes in many forms, such as a court settlement, being frauded, gambling issues, etc. When one loses all their money – or at least a considerable part of it – it feels like they are in a black hole, with no way out. Something they took for granted and deemed vital to their survival has suddenly disappeared, and this rapid transition can be particularly hard to deal with on your own.

If you are struggling with a divorce, recent life transition, or any other loss that has happened in your life, I offer bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online that can help. Feel free to get in touch at any time.

23rd January 2022

If a friend, partner, or family member has lost someone close to them, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Of course, everyone does their best, and always means well, but sometimes we can unknowingly make people feel worse about their situation. Supporting someone who is grieving is a delicate, challenging process, so if you are in this situation and need some pointers about what to do and not do, this blog post walks you through four pointers that are useful to keep in mind.

Listen More, Speak Less

It can be tempting to try and “say the right thing”, but this often backfires. You should generally avoid making suggestions about what your bereaved loved one should or shouldn’t do. While these snippets are always delivered with the best intentions, they can often cause the person more distress.

In the same way, trying to explain or contextualise the loss – saying things like “they’re in a better place now” – is far less useful than simply displaying basic empathy, acknowledging that this must be a hard time for them and giving that person the space to vocalise their feelings.

Accept Mood Swings

Keep in mind that a grieving person can often oscillate between different moods quite quickly. They may be extremely talkative at one moment, then go quiet all of a sudden. This is a normal part of the grieving process, and it is important that you are able to cope – and lean into – these rapid changes in mood. Someone may just want to sit in silence for a while, or perhaps they need you to listen to what’s on their mind. Whatever state they are in, being able to handle that person’s emotions is such an important form of support.

Offer Practical Support

Reaching out to give practical support is an extremely helpful thing for someone who is grieving. The person who has died may have handled certain roles that are now the sole responsibility of your loved one, causing them additional stress. On top of that, grief makes it hard to stay on top of the minutiae of everyday life, so take some time to offer your helping hand in whatever they might need. This could include helping with children or pets, cleaning, assisting with meals, accompanying them on certain outings, or giving them a place to stay – especially if they live alone.

Don’t Assume They Have “Moved On”

As an experienced bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, I know that one of the biggest misconceptions people have around loved ones dying is that there is some kind of ‘timescale’ on how long they grieve for. Not everyone grieves in the same way, and some people can start struggling a long time after the fact. As a result, never assume that they are okay because a certain amount of time has passed. Check in on them regularly; ask how they are feeling about the bereavement and if there’s anything you can do to help.

Along with these above pieces of advice, it is worth suggesting to your loved one whether they have considered counselling in Harrogate or online. I offer a safe, friendly, strictly confidential space where they can speak freely about their situation and receive the targeted professional support they need.

9th January 2022

As a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate with many years of experience, I know that heading into a new year can be challenging when you are grieving. It can be difficult to feel hopeful or motivated when someone close to you has died, and people often slip into unhealthy habits as a result. And so, to help you ease into the new year, here are some tips
for how to deal with grief in a healthier way over the next year.

Be Selfish

It is common for people to push down their feelings in order to be more “socially acceptable”. You might be someone who ignores their own emotions whilst being a great shoulder to cry on for other people. There is a tendency among people to want to “blend in”, ignoring their actual needs in order to maintain attachments with others. When you are grieving, it is so important to give yourself the space to do what feels right for you. Reclaiming that freedom is one of the healthiest things you can do. Even if it feels wrong and unusual, putting yourself first is such a crucial part of dealing with grief.

Set Intentions

Intentions are important in life. If you wake up in the morning and actively set an intention, it is likely you will have a more fulfilling, enjoyable day than if you stumbled out of bed and made things up as you went along. This way of thinking applies especially to dealing with grief. Ahead of this new year, to avoid feeling lost in your grief, it might be helpful to set an intention for what you want to do over the next year, or where you would like to be in a few months. Intentionally grieving – setting a dedicated time during which you can actively grieve the death of a loved one – has been found to be helpful for many people as well.

That said, you must always be kind to yourself. Don’t set extremely demanding intentions, and remember that there is a big difference between intention and expectation.

Don’t Put an Expiry Date on Your Grief

Ahead of a new year, people might resolve to “get over” the loss of someone during the next 12 months, but this is not a compassionate or healthy thing to do. Grief, as any bereavement counsellor will tell you, has no expiry date, and is different for each individual. There will never be a time when you are fully “over” the death of someone close to you, nor is there any way to know how long grief lasts. Acknowledging this uncertainty, rather than fighting against it by creating arbitrary deadlines, is without doubt the healthier way to process grief.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

With social media, it can be incredibly easy to compare your grief with other people. As social creatures, we always define ourselves in relation to other people, but doing this all the time can be harmful. You might be beating yourself up for not getting over the death of a relative as quickly as your sibling, for example. If you find yourself doing this, remember that everyone’s circumstances are unique, and that what you see is only the tip of the iceberg. Your sibling may seem okay, but perhaps deep down they are struggling as well. There are always major limits – and unhealthy consequences – to comparing yourself to others.

Feel Your Feelings

Whatever you do, don’t shut off your pain. This is, of course, exceptionally hard; it feels much easier to resort to drinking or other forms of comfort to suppress painful emotions, but doing this only makes things worse. However desperate you become, accept your pain for what it is, because it is in fact trying to hand you a precious gift: the chance of discovering what lies behind sorrow. Hiding from your feelings, no matter how painful they may be, simply doesn’t work. Defending yourself from suffering only means you end up suffering more, and you end up not learning what you can from experience.

I understand that expressing difficult raw emotions is not easy, especially around family or loved ones. As a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate or online, I create a safe, confidential space where you can feel your feelings in any way that feels right without fear of judgement. If you would like to arrange a consultation, feel free to give me a call or email at any time.

20th December 2021

Christmas is usually a time for relaxation and family. It gives people the chance to take a break from worrying about their busy, stressful lives – to reconnect with family and recharge ahead of the new year. However, as an experienced bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, I know that Christmas can be an extremely difficult period for some individuals. And so, as we head into the festive period, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Christmas Can Remind People of Lost Loved Ones

Given that Christmas is a time for family, this period can be extremely difficult for people who have recently seen a loved one pass away. It will potentially remind them of past years when they enjoyed Christmas together. And with the person who has died suddenly not being there, it can open up wounds for the bereaved individual.

This is especially the case around Christmas; emphasis is strongly on family and one’s normal schedule – work, hobbies, seeing bereavement counsellors, etc. – becomes disrupted, leaving people with no choice but to focus on what they’ve lost. In this sense, it can be a time when grief resurfaces.

Some People Might Want to Be Alone

For people who are mourning the death of a loved one, the idea of doing Christmas in the same way as before might be extremely daunting. This period is a time of traditions, which, in the case of grief, can often bring painful memories to the surface. It could be that the best thing for that person is to be completely alone. They may need some private space to do whatever feels right for them.

If you are suffering from the death of a loved one, or know someone who is, it is therefore important to remember that people shouldn’t be pressured into doing certain traditions if they don’t want to. For instance, someone may prefer to have a non-traditional meal, or avoid having a Christmas tree. Feeling this way is perfectly valid for someone experiencing grief.

Don’t Bottle Up Your Emotions

During the festive season, there is a great pressure to be “on form” – to be happy and conversational – and this can be extremely tiring, especially if you are feeling the opposite. Many people who are grieving will simply “put on a brave face” for the rest of the family, but this is extremely harmful. Bottling up your emotions is the worst thing one can possibly do. If you need to cry, or talk about the person who has died at length, you should not hold yourself back at all. Christmas can make people feel like they should switch off and forget about certain aspects of life, but it may be that talking about it – being truly emotional and vulnerable – feels like the most important, natural thing to do.

I understand that Christmas can be a hard time for people who are grieving – no matter how long it has been since that person has died. If you want a safe, confidential, peaceful place to talk through your emotions in your own time, I offer bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online. Don’t hesitate to get in touch if you have any questions.

12th December 2021

Whether someone close to you has recently died, or someone you know has had a bereavement, it can be hard to know what to feel. People experience a wide range of emotions when someone dies, and it is a tricky thing to navigate. A lot of the time, others will say the wrong thing, or make an assumption about how the bereaved person might be feeling. In this blog post, then, we will walk through the three main misconceptions people have about the grieving process.

People “Get Over” Losing Someone

It is often assumed that you will eventually “get over” the feeling of loss that follows when someone dies, but this is simply not true. Time does not heal everything, and it is understandable that some people never feel quite the same after losing someone deeply close to them, like a child, parent, or best friend. The grief never fully disappears. People think that grief slowly gets smaller over time. But in reality, grief stays the same size, and slowly life starts to grow bigger around it.

Grief Has a Fixed Timeline

Many people believe that grief is at its worst immediately after the death of a loved one, then slowly dies away and never reappears again. This is a very common misconception. Indeed, while some people do move past grief in a linear fashion, it can be very different for others. You may feel fine for months, or even years, before the pain of the loss resurfaces again. That process of grief popping up again after a long time is something I’ve seen often as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate or online.

Talking About Grief Makes It Worse

Some may fear that talking about grief, about the person who has died, only serves to reopen old wounds and traumatise them all over again. As a result, people hold painful feelings inside, which is never a good thing to do: they get larger in your mind and start to breed a poison all of their own. While the act of talking about your grief may be painful, doing so in a safe, confidential place in the company of a professional allows you to address these feelings in a healthy way and, over time, reduce the impact they have on how you feel every day,

I understand that talking to friends and family about grief can sometimes be hard. Seeing a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate or online, on the other hand, gives you a no-pressure, non-judgemental space to talk through difficult feelings in your own time – and in a way that suits you. Feel free to get in touch with me at any time.

23rd November 2021

As explored in a previous blog post, it is not advisable to immediately seek bereavement counselling in Harrogate or online. Giving yourself some time to grieve privately, to process your emotions, is the recommended course of action, because this is a period when you are still in shock. Over time, however, you might feel like seeking a bereavement counsellor is the best thing to do. If you are unsure about whether to reach out, here are three signs that suggest you might need bereavement counselling. 

Feeling Numb

It is possible to move past the loss of a loved one too easily. The pain of grief is so much that many people automatically close themselves off from these difficult feelings and, as a result, don’t feel anything at all. They might constantly insist that they are “fine”, but in reality they are pushing down their grief and not allowing themselves to process the loss they have experienced. If this is the case, seeing a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate or online can be beneficial, as I provide a safe, confidential space where these difficulties can be explored and processed in a healthy way. 

Addictions 

 As is often the case, people who have experienced a loss will slip into addictions to avoid the pain they are in. This could involve drinking, drugs, shopping, eating, sex, gambling, or any other activity/behaviour that has the short-term benefit of briefly removing the pain, but has a deeper consequence of masking – and accentuating – the original pain of that loss. Seeing a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate or online is the safest, most effective way to deal with this original hurt.

Fear of Making New Relationships

 In cases of grieving, it is common to have an apprehension towards forming new relationships. The fear of loss, along with an inability to detach oneself from the past, means people don’t make new bonds with others. This is a sign of someone not moving past their grief; they are not allowing themselves to move forward and grow because they are still holding on to the initial pain of losing a loved one. 

If you are struggling to move past the loss of a loved one, or have a family member or friend who is displaying any of the above behaviours, I offer confidential, bespoke bereavement counselling in Harrogate or online. Feel free to get in touch and ask any questions you might have.

10th November 2021

Life is never quite the same after the loss of a child. Bereaved parents will often speak about how they lose a part of themselves after their child dies. This is a natural, commonplace feeling after such a monumental event, but it does not mean you will be miserable forever. There is life after the death of a child, but it takes time. To help you navigate this challenging period, this blog post walks you through a few things to keep in mind about grieving for a lost child.

The Relationship With Your Partner

Both parents must accept that their dynamic will change after losing a child. It may be that you grow apart over time; many couples decide to move on because staying with the partner brings up feelings and memories that are too painful. Ending the relationship is, for many, the most effective way of moving past the grief of losing a child.

However, it is important to remember that this difficult experience creates a bond between the two of you that nobody else can replicate. You have gone through something extremely challenging together; only you and your partner know how it feels. As a consequence, it could be that you become even closer. Nobody apart from them truly understands the pain you went through; having them close to you can therefore be extremely important.

Finding a Support Network

It is important to remember that you are not alone. There are many people who have gone through the same experience, and sharing your feelings with them can be extremely helpful. Those who are further down the road of grieving are able to give valuable advice about how to deal with these challenging times. More importantly, simply sharing how you feel with others is a powerful thing to do. Keeping these emotions to yourself is never a good thing to do.

Along with finding a support network of fellow grieving parents, seeking bereavement counselling in Harrogate or online can also be highly beneficial. I give you a safe, confidential space where you can freely express your feelings and feel heard, understood, and validated as you process this trauma in your own way – and in your own time.

Establishing a Routine

Following the loss of a child, parents can often become so overcome with grief that they ignore their own health. This could involve not eating or not eating well, not exercising, or neglecting daily responsibilities. Failing to complete these tasks will, over time, make your situation even worse, so it is important to establish a routine that ensures you keep living a healthy life. This could include taking a walk every day, or eating some fruit at breakfast. Keeping yourself physically healthy in this way is hugely important for your mental health.

If you are a parent who has recently lost a child, help is out there. I offer bespoke, highly compassionate bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online, giving you a non-judgemental environment where you can speak honestly about your feelings and gradually move to a better place.

26th October 2021

When a loved one passes away, it might feel impossible to stay connected to them. But as an experienced bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, I have seen that our relationships with people endure – and change – even when they are no longer with us. In this blog post, then, we will walk through a few different ways that people relate to loved ones who have passed away.

We Become More Honest

When someone passes away, it can perhaps feel like there is no way to say what you always wanted to say to them. It is common to have some unfinished emotional business. Speaking the truth to people can be difficult when they are standing in front of you. It may be that they were unwilling to listen to us talk about important emotional matters. And so, when they pass away, we do not necessarily have to keep those pent-up feelings trapped inside; we can communicate them, unfiltered, to that person, in the way we always wanted to. This can be done in different ways, but the important point is that bereavement can actually create a window for brutal honesty, for getting out what needs to be said. Letting those honest feelings out in the open gives us an important feeling of closure, and I am here to help you do this.

Resentment

Sometimes, when we lose someone, the main feeling towards that individual is resentment. This is a common way of processing grief and can happen for a number of reasons. And it is particularly relevant when a loved one takes their own life: we can find ourselves berating them for doing something so “stupid”, and so on. When a loss occurs, anger is an emotion that frequently shows up, as this is a standard way of unconsciously showing pain that you have bottled up inside. Resentment, therefore, can be a common feature of the early stages of grief, and may endure for some time.

Building a Memory Picture

You might lose someone who you never really liked, like a bad father or a sibling you hadn’t spoken to in years. And at first, we will be left with an extremely negative memory picture, giving us discomfort whenever we are reminded of them. However, as I have seen before as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, this memory picture can change over time. We might find ourselves looking more closely at the deceased’s life – how they were when they were younger, for example, or certain things we did with them that we hadn’t thought about for a while. And eventually, a more accurate, less emotionally-charged memory picture can emerge, giving us a clearer portrait of the person who has passed.

Letting Go

It may be that, following the death of a loved one, you stop having any relationship with them at all. While many like to preserve the memory of someone through objects, anniversaries, and certain activities, some people may detach themselves entirely from the person who has died. This happens often – either very quickly or after a prolonged period. For some people, the best thing they can do for their mental wellbeing is to move on, rather than dwell on what has happened before.

Are you experiencing challenging feelings towards a loved one who has recently passed away? Bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online can be a helpful way to process these difficult emotions. Feel free to get in touch and arrange an initial free consultation call.

4th October 2021

When a loved one passes away, the dynamic between yourself and others who were close to that person is likely to change in some way. For example, a brother and sister who lost their mother may experience communication issues in the aftermath, or lose touch entirely. It is an extremely challenging time, and difficulties can often occur. This blog post walks you through a few important things that are helpful to remember when dealing with friends or relatives in the wake of losing someone you both love.

Some Space is Important

In the immediate aftermath of a loved one passing away, you may feel like this is the most important time to reach out to friends/family and be close to them. Bereavements can leave people in a state of shock, and it is natural to want to do something in response. However, in these instances, it is crucial that each affected individual is given the time and space they need to grieve and process the loss in their own way.

Some people may not be ready to talk things through and let others in for some time, and we have to be aware of this. Grief, as bereavement counsellors often say, is like a group of people being stranded atop a mountain with broken legs: everyone has to make their own way down, in their own time.

Establish a Routine

A good way of staying in touch with loved ones following a bereavement is to make sure you establish some kind of routine. If you don’t maintain a cycle of contact, it is possible that you will drift apart and create space between yourself and the loved one. This routine could be something as simple as a text message once a month, or maybe visiting a favourite restaurant every now and again. Having something like this in place creates a useful psychological anchor that ensures you stay in touch and keep communicating.

Do Something New

Many friends and relatives drift apart following a bereavement because they struggle to detach themselves from the past event. Seeing and speaking with each other can trigger memories of the loved one who has passed away, ultimately leading to both members avoiding each other, losing touch, or falling out.

As a result, it is important to move the relationship forward by doing something different. Bringing something new to the table means your dynamic becomes less centered around a painful memory and directed instead to new activities in the present moment – like hiking or going to a new restaurant. Put simply, if you want to keep close to loved ones following a bereavement, both parties must continue moving forward – rather than dwell on what has happened.

If you are struggling to maintain relationships with friends or family following a bereavement and want to talk things through with a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate or online, feel free to get in touch for a no-obligation, 30-minute chat over the phone ahead of booking your first session.