2 October 2023

"I just wish people understood." This is a sentiment felt by countless women and couples who've experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. The grief might be quiet, but it lingers, reminding them of a profound loss.

As we approach Baby Loss Awareness Week, it's time to spotlight these often overshadowed experiences and offer support to those navigating their aftermath.

Miscarriage and Ectopic Pregnancy: A Closer Look

• Miscarriage: Put simply, it's when an embryo or foetus is lost within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. While it's relatively common, each incident is deeply personal.Ectopic
• Ectopic Pregnancy: This occurs when a fertilised egg implants outside the womb, often in a fallopian tube. Though it's rare, it's serious and requires immediate medical attention.

Unseen Grief: Why It's Unique and Real

The pain of losing a pregnancy can often go unrecognised due to the lack of 'visible' reminders. But this absence doesn't make the grief any less real.

1. When Statistics Feel Cold

Hearing "It's common" can unintentionally make individuals feel isolated. Remember, each person's journey and emotions are distinctly their own.

2. The Body's Reaction Post-Loss

Following a pregnancy loss, the body undergoes changes, leading to a mix of emotions like sadness, guilt, or even anger. These feelings have a real, physiological basis.

The Self-Blame Cycle: When Grief Meets Body Disappointment

For many women, a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy isn't just the loss of a child; it also feels like a betrayal by their own body:

• Questioning Self-Worth: Some women grapple with feelings of inadequacy or a perceived loss of femininity.
• The Burden of Blame: A natural, albeit painful, response might be to wonder if they did something wrong. Did I work too hard? Should I have eaten differently? These thoughts, though not rooted in reality, can amplify the grieving process.
• Seeking External Validation: External pressures about motherhood can heighten these feelings, making support and understanding from loved ones even more vital.

Relationships and Grief: The Shared and Individual Journey of Loss

Grief, following a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, can spill over into the relationship, affecting both partners.

1. The Male Experience: More Than Just Being Strong

Men often find themselves caught between societal expectations and their personal pain:

• Facing Helplessness: The feeling of not being able to "make things better" can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
• Internalising Grief: Men may suppress their feelings, sometimes not even recognising the depth of their own sorrow.

2. Navigating Grief as a Couple

Loss can test the strengths and vulnerabilities of a relationship:

• Mismatched Grieving Styles: Partners might grieve differently. Recognising and respecting these differences without judgment is key.
• Communication Gaps: Avoiding certain topics, out of fear of saying something wrong, can create distance. Simple, open dialogue can help bridge this gap.
• Finding Shared Activities: Engaging in shared activities, whether it's watching a film together, cooking, or taking walks can provide a comforting routine amidst the chaos of emotions.

The Importance of Openness

We need to talk, not just for those who've experienced a loss but to create a world that understands and empathises. Let's shift from whispered conversations to open discussions.

As we remember Baby Loss Awareness Week, let's embrace those who've known the silent grief of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. Their pain is real, their stories matter, and they're not alone.

Need a space to talk about your loss? I offer a safe and supportive space online or in Harrogate and am ready to help you navigate your grief. Get in touch via the form below, by email at info@judyfieldcounselling.com or by calling 07855 059 964.

Support and Resources for Baby Loss in the UK

Experiencing baby loss can be an incredibly isolating and painful journey. However, you're not alone. There are numerous organisations and resources available in the UK to provide support, guidance, and a listening ear.

Here are some key resources:

Sands (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity)

About: Sands offers support for anyone affected by the death of a baby, whether recent or in the past.
Website: https://www.sands.org.uk/
Helpline: 0808 164 3332

Miscarriage Association

About: Provides support and information for those suffering through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or molar pregnancy.
Website: https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
Helpline: 01924 200799

Tommy's

About: Tommy's funds research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth, and offers pregnancy health information to parents.
Website: https://www.tommys.org/
Helpline: 0800 0147 800

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

About: This trust provides information, education and support to those affected by ectopic pregnancy.
Website: https://ectopic.org.uk/
Helpline: 020 7733 2653

Child Bereavement UK

About: Supports families when a baby or child dies or is dying, or when a child is facing bereavement.
Website: https://www.childbereavementuk.org/
Helpline: 0800 02 888 40

It's essential to remember that while these resources offer valuable support, nothing replaces the importance of seeking individual counselling or therapy if you feel you need it. You don't have to go through this alone.

Need a space to talk about your loss? I offer a safe and supportive space online or in Harrogate and am ready to help you navigate your grief. Get in touch via the form below, by email at info@judyfieldcounselling.com or by calling 07855 059 964.