Month: January 2022

23rd January 2022

If a friend, partner, or family member has lost someone close to them, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Of course, everyone does their best, and always means well, but sometimes we can unknowingly make people feel worse about their situation. Supporting someone who is grieving is a delicate, challenging process, so if you are in this situation and need some pointers about what to do and not do, this blog post walks you through four pointers that are useful to keep in mind.

Listen More, Speak Less

It can be tempting to try and “say the right thing”, but this often backfires. You should generally avoid making suggestions about what your bereaved loved one should or shouldn’t do. While these snippets are always delivered with the best intentions, they can often cause the person more distress.

In the same way, trying to explain or contextualise the loss – saying things like “they’re in a better place now” – is far less useful than simply displaying basic empathy, acknowledging that this must be a hard time for them and giving that person the space to vocalise their feelings.

Accept Mood Swings

Keep in mind that a grieving person can often oscillate between different moods quite quickly. They may be extremely talkative at one moment, then go quiet all of a sudden. This is a normal part of the grieving process, and it is important that you are able to cope – and lean into – these rapid changes in mood. Someone may just want to sit in silence for a while, or perhaps they need you to listen to what’s on their mind. Whatever state they are in, being able to handle that person’s emotions is such an important form of support.

Offer Practical Support

Reaching out to give practical support is an extremely helpful thing for someone who is grieving. The person who has died may have handled certain roles that are now the sole responsibility of your loved one, causing them additional stress. On top of that, grief makes it hard to stay on top of the minutiae of everyday life, so take some time to offer your helping hand in whatever they might need. This could include helping with children or pets, cleaning, assisting with meals, accompanying them on certain outings, or giving them a place to stay – especially if they live alone.

Don’t Assume They Have “Moved On”

As an experienced bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, I know that one of the biggest misconceptions people have around loved ones dying is that there is some kind of ‘timescale’ on how long they grieve for. Not everyone grieves in the same way, and some people can start struggling a long time after the fact. As a result, never assume that they are okay because a certain amount of time has passed. Check in on them regularly; ask how they are feeling about the bereavement and if there’s anything you can do to help.

Along with these above pieces of advice, it is worth suggesting to your loved one whether they have considered counselling in Harrogate or online. I offer a safe, friendly, strictly confidential space where they can speak freely about their situation and receive the targeted professional support they need.

9th January 2022

As a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate with many years of experience, I know that heading into a new year can be challenging when you are grieving. It can be difficult to feel hopeful or motivated when someone close to you has died, and people often slip into unhealthy habits as a result. And so, to help you ease into the new year, here are some tips
for how to deal with grief in a healthier way over the next year.

Be Selfish

It is common for people to push down their feelings in order to be more “socially acceptable”. You might be someone who ignores their own emotions whilst being a great shoulder to cry on for other people. There is a tendency among people to want to “blend in”, ignoring their actual needs in order to maintain attachments with others. When you are grieving, it is so important to give yourself the space to do what feels right for you. Reclaiming that freedom is one of the healthiest things you can do. Even if it feels wrong and unusual, putting yourself first is such a crucial part of dealing with grief.

Set Intentions

Intentions are important in life. If you wake up in the morning and actively set an intention, it is likely you will have a more fulfilling, enjoyable day than if you stumbled out of bed and made things up as you went along. This way of thinking applies especially to dealing with grief. Ahead of this new year, to avoid feeling lost in your grief, it might be helpful to set an intention for what you want to do over the next year, or where you would like to be in a few months. Intentionally grieving – setting a dedicated time during which you can actively grieve the death of a loved one – has been found to be helpful for many people as well.

That said, you must always be kind to yourself. Don’t set extremely demanding intentions, and remember that there is a big difference between intention and expectation.

Don’t Put an Expiry Date on Your Grief

Ahead of a new year, people might resolve to “get over” the loss of someone during the next 12 months, but this is not a compassionate or healthy thing to do. Grief, as any bereavement counsellor will tell you, has no expiry date, and is different for each individual. There will never be a time when you are fully “over” the death of someone close to you, nor is there any way to know how long grief lasts. Acknowledging this uncertainty, rather than fighting against it by creating arbitrary deadlines, is without doubt the healthier way to process grief.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

With social media, it can be incredibly easy to compare your grief with other people. As social creatures, we always define ourselves in relation to other people, but doing this all the time can be harmful. You might be beating yourself up for not getting over the death of a relative as quickly as your sibling, for example. If you find yourself doing this, remember that everyone’s circumstances are unique, and that what you see is only the tip of the iceberg. Your sibling may seem okay, but perhaps deep down they are struggling as well. There are always major limits – and unhealthy consequences – to comparing yourself to others.

Feel Your Feelings

Whatever you do, don’t shut off your pain. This is, of course, exceptionally hard; it feels much easier to resort to drinking or other forms of comfort to suppress painful emotions, but doing this only makes things worse. However desperate you become, accept your pain for what it is, because it is in fact trying to hand you a precious gift: the chance of discovering what lies behind sorrow. Hiding from your feelings, no matter how painful they may be, simply doesn’t work. Defending yourself from suffering only means you end up suffering more, and you end up not learning what you can from experience.

I understand that expressing difficult raw emotions is not easy, especially around family or loved ones. As a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate or online, I create a safe, confidential space where you can feel your feelings in any way that feels right without fear of judgement. If you would like to arrange a consultation, feel free to give me a call or email at any time.