Month: October 2022

30th October 2022

We normally associate grief with coming to terms with losing a loved one after they have died. But if a loved one has received a terminal diagnosis, if they lose their independence or if they are entering hospice care, it is perfectly natural for you to begin grieving before the person has died. And although the responses you feel and the emotions you experience are very similar, grieving before someone who is about to die presents its own unique challenges.

How is anticipatory grief different?

The actual grief that you feel for someone who is about to die may not feel any different to those you feel after someone has died, but in many ways, it is completely unique.

Not everyone will experience anticipatory grief. For some, not acknowledging the feelings of grief can be a coping strategy to help them through a period of terminal illness before they die. It may help you cling to feelings of hope and get through the difficulties of coming to terms with a loved one dying of a terminal illness.
Living with the knowledge of a loved one’s impending death can leave you feeling conflicted. On one hand, you have the feelings of grief as you deal with the emotions of adjusting to life without them. On the other hand, you may be holding on to the hope that your loved one will recover. It is normal for you to move between these two contrasting states on a daily or even hourly basis.

How might you be affected by anticipatory grief?

One of the most difficult things to cope with about anticipatory grief is that you just can’t predict when your loved one will die. Everyone’s death is as unique as their life, and this can take days or years, so this makes it very hard for you to begin the process of letting go. This can take its toll on you, leaving you feeling emotionally and physically exhausted and drained.

You may also feel guilt because you are going through the process of grieving while that person is still alive. To some, it can feel like you are betraying your loved one because you are beginning to come to terms with life without them when they are still alive. This can also be draining but it is perfectly normal to feel conflicted.

You may find that you are living your life in a state of hyper vigilance – constantly on edge all the time, anxious and worried whenever the phone rings or you are due to visit. This can take a huge toll on you physically and emotionally and it can have an impact on your daily life and work, making you feel constantly distracted or preoccupied.

Time plays a significant role in anticipatory grief. While sudden death presents its own challenges, a long protracted death, where your feelings of dread are present for weeks, months or even years, can leave you feeling disconnected from your own life, unable to focus or make any plans for the future.

Summary

If you are experiencing feelings of anticipatory grief, it is important to understand that it is perfectly normal to feel anxious, worried and constantly on edge. It is also normal for you to begin processing your grief before your loved one has died, without worrying about feelings of guilt or betrayal. The most important thing is that you accept your emotions as part of the grieving process, and you don’t bottle those feelings up or suppress them.

If you are looking for personalised, sensitive bereavement counselling in Harrogate or online, feel free to get in touch and I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have.

Death is a part of life, and it is something we will all experience in our lives. It is said that every death affects at least 5 people. How we process that loss has been the subject of many psychological discussions since Freud introduced grief into the psychological framework in 1917.

Since then, grief has been the subject of many studies and there is an abundance of theories about how best to process loss. However, most of the theories about grief tend to focus on the psychological, that is, how we make sense of our loss and how we can move forward with our lives. There is little focus on the importance of healing the spiritual self on the pathway to finding peace and acceptance. A more holistic approach is necessary if we are to come to terms with loss and move forward positively.

On spirituality

For many, spirituality implies religious faith. However, we should see spirituality as our connection with our world, our inner self and our core beliefs. Spirituality relates to our souls. It can be seen as looking for meaning in the deepest sense and looking in a way that is personal to us, and us alone.

Death of loss can seriously affect our beliefs and to truly heal, it is important to focus on the head and the heart. To accept loss and move on, we must look inside ourselves, exploring and perhaps even modifying our beliefs to adjust to our lives after loss. This may be particularly pertinent if a death was sudden or unexpected.

Striking a balance

For many, their faith offers them much solace when they are struggling with grief. A belief in the afterlife or a greater plan, plus the teachings, rituals and community of your chosen faith can offer much comfort and offer you a pathway to acceptance.

However, a balanced approach is necessary. We also need to look inwards, at both our psychological needs as well as our spiritual needs if we are to integrate loss into our lives moving forward.

Summary

To properly heal after loss, it is vital that we focus on our heads and how we can make sense of our grief and find ways to accept it and move on with it as part of our lives. But it is also vital that we look within, at our beliefs and connection with the world, finding ways to reconnect with our inner self and make adjustments, if necessary, so we can heal our hearts.

If you are looking for personalised, sensitive bereavement counselling in Harrogate or online, feel free to give me a call at any time and I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have.

5th October 2022

Grief is a perfectly natural and human response to loss. You shouldn’t punish yourself for grieving or feeling overwhelmed by sadness. We all need to process the loss as it can stir up all kinds of emotions, such as shock, disbelief, anger, guilt and sadness. We need to accept these feelings as part of the grieving process and work through them, knowing that time will dull the sharp edges of grief and our memories will be with us forever, providing comfort and happiness for the rest of our lives.

As a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, I understand that coping with losing someone close to you is one of the hardest challenges you will ever face in life. But overcome it you will, and although life will be different, you will find a way to move past the grief that you are feeling right now.

Here are some quotes about grief for you to consider, to help you realise that even though you feel alone, grief is just part of life, and it touches everyone.

“Grieving doesn’t make you imperfect. It makes you human.” – Sarah Dressen

I love this simple quote as it reminds us to focus on the fact that grieving is part of the human condition. We are all destined to experience it in our lives, and it is a perfectly natural process to go through.

“We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.” – Paulo Coelho

This quote, from novelist Paulo Coelho, is perfect because it makes us remember that the memory of a loved one lives on in us. We can spend time with them in our memories which we keep forever.

“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.” – Pierre Auguste Renoir

Another quote which reminds us that the sharp pain of grief will get easier over time and what remains are the happy memories of that person that we can treasure forever.

“Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.” – Jose N Harris

Jose Harris, another author, reminds us that our grief is a symbol of the love that we had for that person, something to make us feel pride and not shame.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” – Vicki Harrison

This quote reminds us that grief comes and goes and some days it will be easier to cope with grief than others. We must accept the process and find ways to make sense of our grief and move forward.

You might be struggling with a loss of some kind, or perhaps know someone who is grieving. If this is the case, I offer strictly confidential, friendly, personalised bereavement counselling in Harrogate or online. Feel free to give me a call whenever you like.