Month: March 2022

28th March 2022

When someone close to us dies, I understand that it can feel like nothing will make things better. Grieving always takes time, and must be done in your own way. As a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online who has worked in this area for many years, however, I know that this particular time of year – the coming of spring – can have some real therapeutic benefits for people who are grieving after a loss. And so, if you are struggling in the wake of someone dying, here are three ways being outside can help.

Connect More to the Present

It can be easy for your mind to go in circles after losing someone. This was especially the case last winter, with more COVID-19 restrictions and nasty weather keeping people firmly indoors. I understand how hard this can be; bereavement makes it difficult to live in the present moment. Being in nature, however, can take you away from that ruminating state. Walking through nature, along with being good for your circulation and breathing, brings you back to the here and now, thereby freeing you of the same thought patterns that reinforce your state of grief.

Be With Others

The coming of spring brings with it more opportunities to socialise with others outdoors, which is so important for anyone’s mental wellbeing. You may not feel like being with others all the time, and that’s okay. However, the arrival of warmer weather creates different avenues for socialising that weren’t there in the winter: walks through the park, barbecues, various sports and activities, and so on. These social activities are another way to bring you back into the present and focus on others for a period of time, as opposed to always worrying about yourself.

Try New Things

Trying new activities and hobbies over the winter isn’t as easy – especially when you are grieving. But the warmer weather opens up a number of different routes for doing something new. Many bereaved people take up gardening, for example, as this process of nurturing life can feel incredibly healing. In general, the act of taking up something new, whatever it may be, creates a feeling of wellbeing. It brings you away from the harmful thought patterns that informed your grieving process over the winter and creates a different landscape in your mind. Having something that interests and excites you – something you look forward to doing – is so important for anyone, not just people who are grieving.

Are you going through a difficult time right now due to a painful loss? If so, I am here to provide the safe, confidential space you need to work through these emotions with bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online. Feel free to give me a call or email at any time.

15th March 2022

In 1969, psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross penned the theory of the ‘five stages of grief’. When someone dies, she wrote, a grieving person will go through a rather specific series of emotional steps: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. And while this may be somewhat true for some people, it gives an incredibly incomplete and overly simplistic overview on how grief works.

Much more research on grief has come out since 1969, yet most people still immediately point to this ‘five stages’ approach when someone dies. They assume they must go through each stage before becoming ‘free’ of grief, but that is simply not how it works. Having worked as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online for many years, I know first-hand that grief happens in a much more nuanced way. And so, when you go back to thinking about the ‘five stages’ theory, keep the following points in mind.

Grief is Not Linear

The most fundamental error of the ‘five stages’ theory is the way it insists people must go through each stage in linear, sequential fashion. This causes a great deal of discomfort, because a grieving person will not consider themselves ‘free’ of the pain of loss until they’ve gone through denial, bargaining, anger, and depression – in that order. “I’m still at the bargaining stage,” they’ll say, “so I’ve still got anger and depression to come before I get over that person dying.” This is, of course, overly fatalistic, and not helpful. People grieve in their own way; the emotions we might feel come in no particular order, with no specific timeframe, and often go back and forth.

Not Everyone Experiences Every Emotion

Along with not experiencing the emotions of the ‘five stages’ model in any particular order, grieving people don’t necessarily experience some of these emotions at all. There may be no bargaining stage, or anger stage, once someone dies. Perhaps you don’t experience any of these stages. A person might immediately go to a place of acceptance, then, 10 years later, feel a sense of depression about the person who has died. So along with not being a linear process, grief does not necessarily include the emotions put forward by Kubler-Ross.

The Improved Model for Understanding Grief

We understand grief in a more holistic way now. We also realise grief to be a lot more fluid, more random, than we first thought. The ‘five stages’ model implies that the size of the grief we feel reduces in size as we pass through each emotion. But more recent analysis has shown, time and time again, that the size of the grief does not get smaller. Instead, our lives get bigger around the grief as time passes by, making it seem less prominent.

If you are struggling with any particular emotion after the passing of a loved one, I offer confidential, non-judgemental bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online, giving you a space to explore your emotions in any way you see fit. Feel free to get in touch with me at any time.