Category: Uncategorized

7th August 2022

The subject of someone dying, or losing someone or something important, has always been a popular theme in literature and film. If you have recently suffered a bereavement of any kind, it may feel like delving into books and media around the subject of grief is the last thing that you want to do, and that’s fair enough.

Others, however, take great comfort and even lessons from the depiction of grief through the page or screen. During my time as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, I have seen this often: people learning something new, or seeing grief from a different angle, or simply feeling seen, after watching or reading something produced by a person they’ve never met – such is the beauty of the arts.

And so, if you are grieving and feel like perhaps watching or reading something on the subject might help, here are some recommendations.

Books

A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis (1961)

Written by C.S. Lewis, famous for his Chronicles of Narnia books, A Grief Observed is one of the most famous pieces of writing on grief. His wife, Joy, was dying when they married, and after her death he wrote a series of meditations on the sensation of grief, and how it fits into someone’s life. Despite being over 60 years old now, the words are universal – something anyone can relate to, no matter what stage of grief they are in.

H is for Hawk, by Helen Macdonald (2014)

Unlike the above, this book isn’t explicitly about grief, but more how one copes with it. The narrative follows Helen, the protagonist, who loses her father. She decides to train a goshawk, and the book becomes a powerful example of how one can use creativity and other forms of expression as a way of processing their grief.

Movies

The Babadook (2014)

A truly thrilling, cutting psychological horror, The Babadook is essentially a film about denial, loneliness, and ultimately acceptance. The film follows a widowed mother, who refuses to listen to her son’s claims that a monster has escaped from a children’s book and now haunts their lives from a basement. That process of acknowledging the monster and accepting it, as is the case in this film, acts as an extremely accurate allegory for how we process someone dying.

Ordinary People (1980)

Ordinary People is a classic film about grief. It follows the main protagonist, Conrad Jarret, through trying to commit suicide following the death of his brother to seeking reconnection with his family through the help of a psychotherapist. This film is particularly useful for grief because it covers so many of the emotions that come up within the family unit, such as guilt, anger, depression, denial, anger, loneliness, and confusion.

You might not be ready to watch or read something about grief, however, and that’s perfectly okay. Everyone grieves in their own way, at their own pace, and I am here to help you along that process through confidential bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online. Give me a call whenever you like to arrange our first session.

21st July 2022

Over the years as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate, I have worked with many men and women who have recently lost their spouse or partner. And I know how uniquely painful it can be – to lose the person who was closer to you than anyone, for them to all of a sudden no longer be in your life.

Working through this pain takes time, and things will never quite be the same again, but I can assure you that reaching a better place is absolutely possible. There are many widows out there, and they do manage to enjoy fulfilling, peaceful lives. If you are someone who has recently lost a partner or spouse, this blog post gives you three things to keep in mind as you go through this challenging time.

Give Yourself Time To Grieve

To start with, you have to accept that there will be shock, denial, and a raft of other emotions, which always vary from person to person. You may be guilty, angry, fearful, confused, or just deeply depressed. All of these emotions are entirely valid, and form an important part of the grieving process. Not letting yourself feel them means that you will only delay the grieving process until later. Giving yourself that time to mourn the loss of your partner or spouse is so important in this sense; it means you are actively expressing your thoughts and feelings and allowing yourself to heal.

Look After Your Body

When someone extremely important to you dies, the grief that you feel can be so profound that you forget to take care of the mini tasks required to stay healthy. A lot of people struggle with sleep, for example, or stop eating healthily, or perhaps stop eating entirely. Maybe they drink less water, and stop exercising. Of course, falling behind on one’s physical health is natural after such a monumental event, but staying on top of this aspect of your life is particularly important. Maintaining a healthy schedule won’t prevent you from feeling difficult emotions, but it will prevent you from feeling worse.

Seek Support When You’re Ready

I understand that looking after yourself all on your own after your partner or spouse has died is never easy. Many find it impossible. In these moments, when you feel hopeless and alone, reaching out is the best thing you can do. Family and friends can help with small chores that need to be done, giving you more space to grieve and do whatever feels right. That proximity to those who care about you is a valuable feeling.

However, I know that not everyone feels comfortable expressing their emotions to family and friends, nor is doing so always possible for some people. If you are struggling with the death of a partner or spouse and need a place to talk, my practice offers you a completely confidential, non-judgemental space to receive bespoke bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online.

4th July 2022

During my time as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, many people have come to me after the death of a loved one believing that they are suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). In some cases, this is true, especially if they have found the person who has died, or if the death was unexpected and came out of nowhere. Most of the time, however, people experience grief, not PTSD. Often, clients tend to believe these two phenomena are one and the same thing, but in reality they are two rather different things.

In this blog post, we will walk through the difference between PTSD and grief.

PTSD

PTSD involves a specific set of symptoms and can occur after a wide range of events, such as witnessing violence or receiving death threats, for example – not just after someone dying. It is often characterised by experiencing nightmares, intrusive memories, or feeling like you are reliving the event. It is, unlike grief, considered a mental disorder in the DSM-5 manual, with other common symptoms including irritable behaviour, angry outbursts, and hypervigilance. These problems are sometimes seen with those who are grieving, but occur far more regularly with PTSD.

Grief

While PTSD is a disorder with fear and a sense of hopelessness as its governing symptoms, grief tends to be a more complex process that differs from person to person. Hopelessness may be a feature, but generally bereavement causes a sense of longing and denial, among many other emotions, such as frustration, guilt, sadness, anger, confusion, or numbness.

As a result, the treatment for grief is different to PTSD, which can be quite effectively addressed with hypnotherapy and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing). Grief, on the other hand, is something we work through at our own time and in different ways. Focusing on that sense of loss takes time, nor is it linear. The purpose of bereavement counselling is to recontextualise your loss over time and eventually adapt to the absence of a loved one, whereas PTSD support is more about breaking patterns in the mind.

If you are finding it hard to cope with the trauma of someone dying, or a loss of some other kind, my practice gives you a safe, calm space to explore the emotions involved and feel supported. To learn more about my bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online, don’t hesitate to give me a call.

15th June 2022

As I have noted on a few occasions in this blog, the ‘five stages of grief’ model gives a painfully simplified characterisation of grief and its role in our lives. That idea was penned in 1969, and much more research and insight has come out since then. One thing that the ‘five stages’ model does get right, however, is that people can reach a stage of ‘acceptance’. We do reach a point where we start to ‘accept’ the pain of someone dying or losing something else that was deeply important. Working as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online for a number of years, I have supported many clients on that long but doable journey.

But what does it actually mean to ‘accept’ your grief? There are, unsurprisingly, a number of misconceptions around what acceptance really means. In this blog post, I will outline a few things to keep in mind about accepting grief.

Accepting Doesn’t Mean There’s No Pain

It is important to note that acceptance does not equate to being free of distress, trauma, or difficult emotions. It doesn’t mean you are ‘over it’. The hurt that came from losing someone close to you will remain. The important thing is to accept that pain, understand its role in your life, and no longer feel driven to fight against it or make things different. Accepting means accepting all aspects of the bereavement, including the difficult emotions that come with it.

Acceptance Isn’t Linear

Once someone has come to accept the fact that someone has died, as well as the emotions associated with that loss, it doesn’t mean they are immune from slipping back into not accepting the death of that person. Certain events, or sometimes nothing in particular, can bring people ‘back to square one’, as it were – suddenly unable to deal with the pain of the grief and wishing for life to go back to the way it was. That is a perfectly normal process; I’ve seen it on many occasions as a bereavement counsellor.

Acceptance Means Staying Present

Whether someone has suffered a bereavement or is struggling with some other kind of mental health issue, the tendency is to indulge in behaviours that bring them out of the present moment, or make them feel numb, such as alcohol or other substances. If someone started drinking more heavily after someone dying, the act of stopping entirely – and being able to maintain that streak – shows that they are willing to be present to their thoughts and emotions, however difficult they may be. If, on the other hand, someone claims to ‘accept’ their grief whilst continuing to drink every day, it is a sign that they have not properly engaged with and come to terms with the trauma that they hold inside themselves.

In other words, acceptance equates to having the strength to stay in the present moment, no matter how hard it is.

If you are struggling to accept the death of a loved one, I am here to provide bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online that gives you the space to explore your emotions in a non-judgemental, confidential environment. Feel free to get in touch with me by phone or email at any time.

26th May 2022

As noted in a previous blog post, people still tend to look at grief in terms of the ‘five stages’ model – something coined in 1969 – which states that we all process a bereavement in the same way: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. Since then, a far more nuanced and accurate understanding of grief has developed. People don’t experience these emotions in sequential ‘stages’, nor do we necessarily go through all of them.

When it comes to the so-called ‘anger’ stage, I have seen, over many years as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate, that there is precious little understanding of what this actually means. And so, in this blog post, we will take a closer look at the role of anger in grief.

Anger Comes in Different Forms

If we think about anger, our mind tends to picture someone shouting, but the emotion of anger is far more complex than that. When someone dies, the person who is grieving may well descend into fits of loud outbursts at people, or nobody in particular, but it is also very possible to be angry in silence. It could be that we are quietly resentful of the person who has died for leaving you. You might be angry towards the doctors for not doing more, or other people who haven’t lost a loved one, or even God.

We experience anger in various ways. Some of us hold it in; others let it out. And it can be directed at yourself, the person who has died, or anyone else.

Something Lies Behind the Anger

Many people, for myriad reasons, find it hard to express complex emotions like fear or sadness. Those emotions are there, but they were never given the space to bring them out into the open in a safe way growing up, and as such can’t vocalise them in adulthood. As a result, these emotions come out as anger. It is their way of telling you they feel sad, or confused, or hurt, or perhaps even scared. If you are feeling this way, I am here to provide bereavement counselling that allows you to engage with these primary emotions and understand them better.

Don’t Suppress It!

Nobody likes to feel angry, but trying to turn it off or avoiding it only makes the matter worse. The emotion remains unresolved. It is important that you go ahead and feel your anger, no matter how difficult it might be. These emotions come up for a reason and the best thing you can do is get present to them.

Of course, I know that showing this anger to family and friends can be extremely difficult – or impossible for you to do. If you are looking for an outlet to process your anger, or any other emotion you may be feeling, I am here to provide compassionate bereavement counselling in Harrogate or online. Give me a call whenever you like.

17th May 2022

After someone dies, or you lose something important, it can be hard to imagine doing anything creative – or anything at all, for that matter. Grief can leave people feeling numb, unmotivated, angry, or highly depressed, and it takes time to work through those emotions. Eventually, though, you may find that creative exploration of any kind – cooking, painting, singing, knitting, etc. – makes you feel better. That is because creativity actively helps with the grieving process in a number of ways. Over the years as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online, I have seen how people have benefitted from being creative.
In this blog post, we will walk through three ways creativity helps with the grieving process.

Stimulates Your Left Brain

The right hemisphere of your brain deals with emotions like anxiety and fear. During periods of grief, this zone is more active. At the same time, the left hemisphere – the area responsible for positive emotions like joy and hope – becomes deactivated, unused. By tapping into your creative bone, you are actively reinvigorating the part of your brain that brings a sense of purpose and play into your life, thereby balancing out the over-activation of the right hemisphere.

Process Painful Emotions

A sense of acute loss will not immediately encourage someone to be creative. There will most likely be a period of shock and mourning. However, after some time, creativity becomes an especially powerful outlet for processing grief. We hold grief in our body, and putting it onto a canvas of some kind – painting, writing, singing, and so on – can have an incredible unburdening effect. Many people struggle to talk about their grief in such direct terms, and it can be much easier to communicate their emotions through creativity.

Focus and Purpose

Whether someone is grieving, or simply struggling with mental health issues not associated with a bereavement, the worst thing they can do is fall idle. Staying with your own thoughts and having nothing to look forward to only makes the situation worse. Having a creative project gets you out of that static headspace. Whether you are writing something, painting, or cooking, the activity forces you to have a sense of focus and purpose, consequently bringing you more in touch with your body and preventing you from isolating yourself with your thoughts.

You might be struggling with a loss of some kind, or perhaps know someone who is grieving. If this is the case, I offer strictly confidential, friendly, personalised bereavement counselling in Harrogate or online. Feel free to give me a call whenever you like.

1st May 2022

When we talk about grief, it is generally understood as a strictly mental process – something that affects the mind and one’s emotions in a big way. And while this is of course true, it also ignores the crucial fact – one ignored by many – that the mind and body are inextricably linked. Being overly stressed or depressed will end up expressing itself in the body, and any physical issues will naturally lead to one feeling worse about themselves. And when it comes to grief, there are a number of physical signs that can emerge. This blog post walks you through three of the main ones that I have noticed during my time as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online.

Appetite and Digestion

At times of high stress, your appetite. You may not feel like eating anything in the aftermath of someone dying; swallowing itself may seem difficult. It could be that you eat more than usual, or only eat a specific kind of comfort food. This is perfectly normal, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for any changes in your eating habits. Your digestive tract can also be particularly sensitive during this time. You might feel slightly queasy, blocked up, or experience some issues commonly associated with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome).

Aches and Pains

Grief can occasionally cause issues like back pain, headaches, stiffness, or joint pain. This discomfort comes from the higher-than-usual amount of stress hormones being released into your body in the wake of someone dying or experiencing a considerable loss of another kind. In a similar way to ‘broken heart syndrome’, stress hormones directly act on the body, and it is a normal occurrence in the period after losing someone.

Sleep Problems

Having trouble with sleep is an extremely common occurrence after someone dies. Sleep is a time for your mind and body to rest and repair themselves, but if your mind is constantly weighed down by stress and spiralling thoughts, it can be hard to properly switch off. I have worked with a number of people who fear going to sleep, for fear of having nightmares or dreams that the person who died is still alive. Grieving often leads to people being both stressed and exhausted at the same time, which is a debilitating feeling – but one that does pass.

Are you experiencing any of the above physical signs following the death of a loved one? If so, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me to arrange bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online.

20th April 2022

When someone close to you dies, there are a number of things that you are told you must do, such as stay close to loved ones, cry, or talk about one’s feelings. There are also many things we are told to not do. These prescriptive remarks you hear from time to time ignore one of the most important lessons I give as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online: that there is no right way to grieve, and that everyone is different in how they grieve.

For some people, it may be that certain ways of behaving are part of their wider journey towards healing. They might not seem helpful at the time, but there is always a good reason for the behaviour people exhibit in response to grief. Even if it doesn’t seem exactly ‘healthy’, it may be an important stepping stone towards greater compassion and peace. We should always give people in this situation our support, rather than advise them against doing certain things. Here are three examples of behaviours that, although seemingly not helpful, can actually be rather salutary for someone who is grieving.

Isolation

There is often pressure on grieving people to ‘surround themselves’ with other loved ones and not spend too much time with their own thoughts. And while this is true with many people, others may feel overwhelmed by being around people – especially when they insist on giving unhelpful platitudes or pieces of advice. Sometimes the most comforting thing for a bereaved person is to not talk at all, about anything, to anyone. Of course, we should check in once in a while, but never encourage someone who is grieving to be social or talk if they don’t actually want to.

Keeping Yourself Busy

Some people may accept that now isn’t the right time for them to grieve. It could be that they are extremely busy with work or family and feel much more comfortable focusing on these everyday tasks, as opposed to wallowing in their grief. You might say that this equates to suppression, which has its own well-documented dangers, but nor should someone be obligated to grieve if they would rather get on with their lives. This is particularly the case with people who have busy schedules. They will, of course, have to confront their grief at some stage, but for now it may not be the best thing.

Taking Up a New Hobby

It could be that a person who is grieving feels best when they are fixated on a particular activity of some kind. Something quite random and unexpected might give them enormous comfort without them even really knowing why. It could be literally anything, from video games to collecting rocks to learning a new instrument, and if it makes that person feel better, we should support them. In times of grief, we need an emotional crutch of some kind. We can’t rely on it forever, of course, but nor can we ignore its short-term value.

Have you recently suffered a loss? Do you feel like you’d benefit from speaking to someone about your feelings? If so, I am here to lend a helping hand through friendly, confidential bereavement counselling in Harrogate or online. Feel free to give me a call to ask any questions.

28th March 2022

When someone close to us dies, I understand that it can feel like nothing will make things better. Grieving always takes time, and must be done in your own way. As a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online who has worked in this area for many years, however, I know that this particular time of year – the coming of spring – can have some real therapeutic benefits for people who are grieving after a loss. And so, if you are struggling in the wake of someone dying, here are three ways being outside can help.

Connect More to the Present

It can be easy for your mind to go in circles after losing someone. This was especially the case last winter, with more COVID-19 restrictions and nasty weather keeping people firmly indoors. I understand how hard this can be; bereavement makes it difficult to live in the present moment. Being in nature, however, can take you away from that ruminating state. Walking through nature, along with being good for your circulation and breathing, brings you back to the here and now, thereby freeing you of the same thought patterns that reinforce your state of grief.

Be With Others

The coming of spring brings with it more opportunities to socialise with others outdoors, which is so important for anyone’s mental wellbeing. You may not feel like being with others all the time, and that’s okay. However, the arrival of warmer weather creates different avenues for socialising that weren’t there in the winter: walks through the park, barbecues, various sports and activities, and so on. These social activities are another way to bring you back into the present and focus on others for a period of time, as opposed to always worrying about yourself.

Try New Things

Trying new activities and hobbies over the winter isn’t as easy – especially when you are grieving. But the warmer weather opens up a number of different routes for doing something new. Many bereaved people take up gardening, for example, as this process of nurturing life can feel incredibly healing. In general, the act of taking up something new, whatever it may be, creates a feeling of wellbeing. It brings you away from the harmful thought patterns that informed your grieving process over the winter and creates a different landscape in your mind. Having something that interests and excites you – something you look forward to doing – is so important for anyone, not just people who are grieving.

Are you going through a difficult time right now due to a painful loss? If so, I am here to provide the safe, confidential space you need to work through these emotions with bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online. Feel free to give me a call or email at any time.

15th March 2022

In 1969, psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross penned the theory of the ‘five stages of grief’. When someone dies, she wrote, a grieving person will go through a rather specific series of emotional steps: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. And while this may be somewhat true for some people, it gives an incredibly incomplete and overly simplistic overview on how grief works.

Much more research on grief has come out since 1969, yet most people still immediately point to this ‘five stages’ approach when someone dies. They assume they must go through each stage before becoming ‘free’ of grief, but that is simply not how it works. Having worked as a bereavement counsellor in Harrogate and online for many years, I know first-hand that grief happens in a much more nuanced way. And so, when you go back to thinking about the ‘five stages’ theory, keep the following points in mind.

Grief is Not Linear

The most fundamental error of the ‘five stages’ theory is the way it insists people must go through each stage in linear, sequential fashion. This causes a great deal of discomfort, because a grieving person will not consider themselves ‘free’ of the pain of loss until they’ve gone through denial, bargaining, anger, and depression – in that order. “I’m still at the bargaining stage,” they’ll say, “so I’ve still got anger and depression to come before I get over that person dying.” This is, of course, overly fatalistic, and not helpful. People grieve in their own way; the emotions we might feel come in no particular order, with no specific timeframe, and often go back and forth.

Not Everyone Experiences Every Emotion

Along with not experiencing the emotions of the ‘five stages’ model in any particular order, grieving people don’t necessarily experience some of these emotions at all. There may be no bargaining stage, or anger stage, once someone dies. Perhaps you don’t experience any of these stages. A person might immediately go to a place of acceptance, then, 10 years later, feel a sense of depression about the person who has died. So along with not being a linear process, grief does not necessarily include the emotions put forward by Kubler-Ross.

The Improved Model for Understanding Grief

We understand grief in a more holistic way now. We also realise grief to be a lot more fluid, more random, than we first thought. The ‘five stages’ model implies that the size of the grief we feel reduces in size as we pass through each emotion. But more recent analysis has shown, time and time again, that the size of the grief does not get smaller. Instead, our lives get bigger around the grief as time passes by, making it seem less prominent.

If you are struggling with any particular emotion after the passing of a loved one, I offer confidential, non-judgemental bereavement counselling in Harrogate and online, giving you a space to explore your emotions in any way you see fit. Feel free to get in touch with me at any time.